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Researchers share the titles they recommend most often.
When parents estranged from their children share what’s going on, many imagine other people thinking, “What’s wrong with you?” said Karl Pillemer, a professor of human development at Cornell University.
Though estrangement — or family cutoff — can feel isolating, it’s actually fairly common. A 2022 YouGov poll of Americans found that 29 percent of subjects were estranged from a parent, grandparent, sibling or child.
People experiencing estrangement often crave tools to deal with the loss and assurance that they aren’t alone — and a number of recent books may help make sense of what they’re going through.
We asked nine experts who research the topic for recommendations. Because the field is still growing, many of them endorsed the same books. And several experts interviewed for this article appear on this list because their work was highly recommended by colleagues.
The five titles below offer guidance on navigating family rifts, coping with pain and finding a path forward. But they won’t necessarily help mend broken ties.
As Kathleen Smith, a therapist and faculty member at the Bowen Center for the Study of the Family in Washington, D.C., put it, “the goal is not to prevent estrangement or encourage it, but to help a person get their best thinking involved in the decision.”
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Home Truths by Lucy Blake
When Lucy Blake was doing her Ph.D. in family psychology, she wondered why she didn’t see estrangement, which her family had experienced, reflected in the literature. Research was scarce, so she set down a path researching estrangement and ultimately writing “Home Truths” (first published in 2022 as “No Family Is Perfect”).
In it, Dr. Blake “focuses on creating a positive and optimistic outlook on family,” said Karl Melvin, a family estrangement expert based in Ireland. He adds that the book “offers insight into specific challenges that my own clients have faced, such as the struggles between estranged siblings in taking care of an elderly parent.”
Rin Reczek, a professor of sociology at Ohio State University, likes how “Home Truths” addresses people on different sides of estrangement, covering a wide variety of experiences. And no matter what side of estrangement you fall on, Dr. Reczek said, it’s “written in a non-stigmatizing way.”
Avery
Fault Lines by Karl Pillemer
Dr. Pillemer was one of the first to conduct in-depth research on estrangement. His book “Fault Lines,” published in 2020, is based on that work and on his analysis of the current state of estrangement.
The book presents a wide range of experiences and examines the various paths to estrangement, Ms. Smith said. “Families respond to tension in various ways, and one of them is to cut off contact,” she explained. “This can be a thoughtful choice, or it can be an automatic, emotionally driven response.”
“Fault Lines” does, however, spend considerable time on reconciliation, Mr. Melvin said. Dr. Pillemer offers some concrete advice for those who want to reconcile, including on how to set and maintain healthy boundaries and how to let go of the need for the other party to admit fault.
Routledge
Family Estrangement by Kylie Agllias
Most of our experts cited this 2016 book as a foundational work on estrangement. Mr. Melvin called it a “balanced and respectful deep dive,” and Helen Gilbert, a therapist in Brighton, England, praised it as a “classic text” for both clinicians and individuals grappling with family cut-off.
Kylie Agllias, a social worker and lecturer at the University of Newcastle, explores estrangement by examining related psychology frameworks like loss and grief theories, attachment theory and family systems, offering what Dr. Reczek called “one of the most well-researched and theoretically rich books out there today.”
Chapters explore topics like the various steps of estrangement, from “deciding to leave family” to the “intergenerational consequences.” But the book avoids easy conclusions, Dr. Pillemer said; instead, Dr. Agllias presents a complex view of estrangement that can “serve as a springboard” for readers to discuss problems.
Harmony
Rules of Estrangement by Joshua Coleman
This 2021 book presents a mix of research and clinical experience. In it, Joshua Coleman shares his personal experiences of being an estranged father, and writes that the book is intended for “anybody who is suffering from the loss of an adult child or grandchild.”
The book, therefore, is especially relevant for parents who need to “cope with cutoff or try to overcome it,” Dr. Pillemer said.
There are chapters on the different reasons for estrangement — including divorce, addiction and mental illness. And Dr. Coleman shares practical suggestions, such as writing apology letters (and even includes a sample letter).
He also explores how to talk to other people in your life about what’s going on.
Harvard University Press
Ambiguous Loss by Pauline Boss
This 1999 book is not explicitly about family estrangement. Instead, it explores the term “ambiguous loss,” first coined in the 1970s by Pauline Boss.
“Ambiguous loss” refers to the idea that a person may be physically absent — for example, enlisted in war — but emotionally present. (Later, Dr. Boss used the term to show that the reverse can also be true — people can be physically present but emotionally absent.)
“It applies incredibly well to family estrangement, from my research,” Dr. Pillemer said, “especially if you’re the person on the receiving end.”
“We have lots of coping tools for bereavement,” he added, “but very few for estrangement.”
Beyond offering validation, Dr. Boss helps people going through such losses come to terms with their situation. She emphasizes that there’s “no quick fix, that these things take time,” said Dr. Blake, who sees the book as one with an “optimistic” message about the potential to heal.
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